Double Denim is in

I am living on apples; they stop me from smoking and give me something to do with hands. I am back from the brink, no more fags…yet again.

 

So last week I had some very interesting meetings and am very happy with the outcomes of them. Tide is turning in my direction for a wee change! It’s all swings and roundabouts as we all know but am enjoying the new stuff I am working on and Edinburgh provided great breaks for me, though I remain unconvinced that it was their -‘BEST SELLING EVER FRINGE’.

 

The sheer amount of act selling 2 for 1s right up until last weekend was frightening, and even some of the comedy award nominees never sold out on their last Saturday, that’s shocking!

People need to remember that 2 for 1s and free tickets given away COUNT as sold tickets in the final round up countdown, so it is misleading.

The last two weeks of the Fringe were very quiet and I witnessed some big promoters pull shows near the last weekend, I saw TV named comics struggle getting a sold out on that board and I know heaps of poor comedy bastards that will loose serious cash this year, fucking shame all round, especially when the venue and promoters get their cash off you upfront and NO MATTER HOW BADLY your show sold…I am glad I did it all myself and don’t leave Edinburgh Fringe owing anyone cash. In fact I did make a good profit this year, and am glad I took the risk again, especially with the TV and radio work I got out of it.

 

Onwards and upwards is the name of my game! I am off the fags and working like a wee Scottish devil, that’s what life is all about.

 

I went back to The Calton where I used to live in Glasgow’s East End with Michael Portillo (I know -how odd?) to take part in a documentary about the area. I sat outside my old pub and stared at the old red bricked building above it that was my home for 15 years, it was where Ashley grew up and where I started out in married life. It was rather emotional especially when you consider how we left it in 1994.

 

It looks really bad, despite being renovated. There is so much filth and clutter round the side of the building and the brick work looks dull, the windows look filthy, there are parts of the balustrade up on the roof missing and the pub itself looks like it was transported back to 1975 in a pub time machine. And I don’t mean the good part of 1975, I mean the awful drunken fucked upness of 1975.

 

There were a whole collection of drunken people all dressed in stone washed double denim, all who looked like some evil familial DNA had robbed them of the possibility of a chin since time began. Seriously no one there had a chin, the chubby faces all dissolved into their necks with out the interruption of a chin type facial structure to halt the journey southwards. I even stared into my make up mirror in my bag, to check I do have chin, turns out I have three chins, but that’s fine, the evil chin monster hasn’t stolen it the way he did to these poor people. He even took their teeth as well, people in the Calton outside that pub, lacked teeth and chins….that’s fucked up.

 

I don’t recall swathes of customers without chins or teeth back in my day!

 

A black youth walked past me and as he headed across London road I heard a chinless denim clad man shout “there’s Bobo the darkie” and other deformed faced denim clad men giggled. I clenched my teeth and stared at the ground. I hated the cunt faced man and hated that this was where my child grew up and hated that old men were actually not old really and smelled of beer and piss and I come from those people. I hated everything, I tried to remember good times in the Calton.

 

So I sat on the red fencing pipe opposite the bar and reminisced about Ashley learning to walk on that pavement, just as my golden glow of memories were over taking my brain, a car drew up, the man rolled the window down and he asked “You looking for business?”

I forgot about the kerb crawling bastards who surf the Calton looking for hookers, this man didn’t have a chin either, that disturbed me more.

 

“Fuck off chinless weirdo” I shouted at him as I waited on the camera crew arriving. He actually spat at me and drove off; to think I had glowy memories of this fucking street, what was I thinking of?

 

A wee drunken man from my old bar came wandering across to ask me inane questions that I can bear to write down or repeat as the dullness of the conversation was only saved by the fact he didn’t have a chin and I got to look close up at the chinless facial structure of this creature. It was amazing and really worth staring at.

 

Then Michael Portillo and the crew turned up and we all got microphones clipped on and started the shoot. The chinless man in double denim came out of the bar and walked purposely very close to the camera and shouted loudly “Don’t put me on camera, I don’t want on camera”

 

“Fuck off out of the shot, go back into the bar and don’t come fucking near a camera is the way to cure your worry about being caught on camera isn’t it you chinless fuck?” I shouted back coz I used to live there and I recall that’s how people spoke to each other.

 

Michael Portillo merely stared at me and then carried on regardless as though nothing had happened. I think politicians are good at pretending shit hasn’t happened and can smile through any storm, and he must know that as he was a Tory when Scottish people hated Tories and were allowed to cull them legally in honour of stolen milk and miners or something like that, I can’t totally remember!

 

The day brightened up, we finished the shoot and wandered home. All my glowy memories of the Calton were shot to fuck, people were nuts, double denim is SO HUGE in the Calton and I don’t want to go back there, all the good people are dead and the useless chinless cunts are left behind.

Yes, I have stopped smoking again

I had to stop; there were scary chest pains and breathing difficulties during very casual sexual activity. Seriously, just moving my leg gave me pain and husband had to stop leaning on my body for fear it would stop functioning, that’s bad.

 

I model myself on the youthful appearance of Demi Moore, except if you minus all the surgery she has had and the Botox and skin plumper’s. I look how she would look if she had a fatty evil Scottish food and hundreds of fags pushed into her lungs and a series of childhood infections based on poverty and poor diet, if you take that into account Demi and I are practically identical.

 

Except my daughter doesn’t have an insurmountably large jaw line and a penchant for hanging her arse out of jeans, so what I am saying is, me and Demi Moore have fuck all in common but I wished I had the cash and balls to have extensive surgery to look beautiful, I cant even bear to get a filling in my tooth far less synthetic plastic pumped into my lip line! Ashton Kutcher is seriously hot though, I bet Demi makes him do things to her and he is scared in case she shaves her head again and starts beating him with pottery wheels or whips?

 

Anyway I have stopped smoking again. This is possibly the ninth attempt. Who knows? I am determined to go at least six months before I become an addict again. Give my wee lungs time to heal a bit.

 

Life is ok at the moment; husband and daughter are ignoring my rather snappy, biscuit eating, ear picking, and ranty, bitey moods as I detach myself from nicotine.

 

I am having a week off before I start comedy gigging, though am doing some filming for a documentary in the Calton next week. Then am back on planes, trains etc, I am in London soon for an audition and a few post- Edinburgh meetings. I am going to be calm and nice about things as my body detoxifies.

 

Am walking more and that’s good for me, had a few celebs on twitter show me some non smoking support, am determined to get fit, lose weight and stop smoking before the year is out. My daughter Ashley is on a health kick as well, she is eating better and exercising and that just encourages me to keep it up as well.

 

Just discovered a nice noodle bar up The Great Western Rd called WU-DON and the food is so yummy, I love thick noodles and Dim Sum, so I treated myself to some nice fare and walked home in the drizzling rain, picking up some charity shop books on the way. I do love buying novels in charity shops, the best way to buy a book as far as I am concerned.

 

Am off to sponsor Eddie Izzard on his marathon runs, you can keep up with him on Twitter and see pics and updates of his epic running journey, such a worthwhile charity, so go help please?

Maybe its time to be me again

 

“Janey, my lungs are killing me, my HIV is playing up, and my cancer might be back and am worried about swine flu” my brother called to tell me, then added “Am thinking of buying bagpipes”

 

“Jim, you have 3 guitars, two tambourines and possibly a cello and you can’t play any of them, maybe its time to stop buying musical instruments” I replied.

 

“Do you like Kings of Leon?” he ignored my advice and carried on about music.

 

“Yes, I love them Jim” I said.

 

“Me too, I might try and go see them, are they Mormons?” he asked.

 

“Not sure, but I know the Osmond’s are Mormons if you are looking for a religious type musical group” I replied.

 

“Do you remember that time I toured with U2 and showed Bono how to wear a hat?” he asked.

 

“No, I don’t recall that but am sure it was fun” I giggled.

 

My brother Jim is basically nuts and makes me laugh and snort tea through my nose. I miss him and his insane ways, he used to have a dog called Cooper who tried to rape your legs every single visit to his home. Cooper also loved to try to bite the Hickman line that was attached to Jim’s chest during his chemo regime, the dog thought the red stud on my brother’s torso was a clothes peg and Cooper loved biting clothes pegs. It was a rather disconcerting time every time my brother stripped off his jumper in front of his crazy dog. Yet he survived, as always.

 

Much like me, we are survivors of all things medical is my odd family. My other brother is currently housebound as he jumped off scaffolding due a steel bar coming at his head and has now got two broken ankles. My elder sister has a plethora of complaints health wise but seems to be hanging on, I forget what is currently ailing her, but try hard not to think of her as an episode of House on the telly. She is a medical mystery.

 

I don’t have anything medically wrong with me actually, I do get things go wrong when am on tour, I write them down and promise to give it to the doctor when I get home, but by that time the symptoms have gone and I forget what it was that was wrong with me. I will probably die soon, due to a long ignored brain tumour which I mistake for a headache; I am given to deep paranoia about my headaches. Occasionally I get an upset tummy or really sore heels when I wake up, but that called ‘getting old’ and nothing to be scared about. My knees make a noise when I go downstairs; I suspect am in for Arthritis.

 

Other than that am all set to get back on the road again and flying off next week to Barcelona, then around the UK at weekends to do comedy stuff.

 

Am glad to be home at the moment though, Edinburgh was fun but can be tiring; I also did the New Zealand comedy festival this year, so it’s all been hectic and living out of suitcases. It’s lovely to pee in my own toilet.

 

Am also writing stuff for radio and I love doing that, it excites me no end, and I am glued to my laptop like a keyboard junkie.

 

Went up to see my dad yesterday and it was great fun to have a natter with him. He really is an inspiration, despite being widowed this year, he is perky, cheery and trying hard not to fall asleep on his sofa and lie awake all night. He has become nocturnal and can’t seem to shake it off, I told him to come up to my house during the night as Ashley stays awake during the night as well and they may all be vampires.

 

Had a nice laugh when I got home from Edinburgh as it turns out I was a clue in the Daily Record Quickie Crossword! It said 32 across ‘Comedian —– Godley’ that made me smile and on this coming Sunday I am on the repeat of Just a Minute on BBC radio 4 if you are interested.

 

So back to reality and life, it is time to be me again, I suspect!

What’s not to love?

 

The gigs are all going well, we are near the end of the run, I got Three Five Star reviews, two three stars and one two star, now that’s a show! I have to admit that this show is my favourite one in ages and the most successful as far as future work off the back of it.

 

After my publicity stunt at the McTaggart Lecture, I got heaps of telly people come see me. I stood outside the lecture hall and said “I might have the idea that saves your career” folk gawped at me then I whispered “There are secret camera’s watching to see who takes the flyer” and even Murdoch took my one off me, everyone snatched them and took them into the McTaggart lecture for me. Only one bloke knew I was lying he sniggered “There are no camera’s are there?” I said “no” and he laughed out loud and took a bunch of flyers off me and took them into the hall. I liked that man; he is lovely and waited for me after my show came out for a chat! I didn’t know who he was, now I do. Edinburgh is good for that kind of thing.

 

This fringe has been harsh as well though.

 

The venue owners always say ‘Record breaking sales’ but they fail to tell you that 2 for 1s and free tickets are included in that count up, also there are more shows on, so the audiences were spread thinner across the board.

 

The first two weeks were great and these last two weeks have been pretty quiet for the majority of acts. People who have their PR/agent etc…with them this year will be scratching for a profit, its all swings and roundabouts. Without your manager/agent/pr you miss out on good press opportunities and will be missing the chances of some top TV people coming to your show. But it really shouldn’t be like that, why do comics need a manager to push the TV people their way? Isn’t it the TV scouts job to go find them? Do they need talked into it?

 

The Edinburgh Fringe has grown a huge industry of folk to ‘help’ your show become a success, none of them actually stand onstage and do the job but by fuck do they get their share of the profits!

 

The big hyped shows do sell well, but most of the cash (if not all of it) barely touches the hands of the performer, but then Edinburgh Fringe isn’t about what happens at The Fringe but what happens AFTER it, and that’s where the agents/pr/managers come into their own. I have always been naive, I always believed my shows would stand up for themselves and I wouldn’t have to line the pockets of swathes of folk to promote/publicise and manage me, surely it will always work out ok in the end and the talent is the thing that gets you work….but then I always believed in fairies as well!

 

In the Sunday Mail, there is an article about Scottish actress Siobhan Redmond, she explains about how she read my book Handstands in The Dark to help her prepare for the role as a gangster’s wife in her latest play The House of Barnarda Alba, you can read it here http://tinyurl.com/nm6xox

I also wrote the foreword for the Scottish National Theatre’s programme and the play opens at Citizens Theatre on September 15^th in Glasgow.

 

The good news is all is well in Godley’s World, I will leave here with a happy heart and excitement and anticipation in my veins…I love The FRINGE and nothing can change that!

Get a Grip Godley!

 

After the fiasco of having food poisoning and still managing to do my show’s am excited it’s all nearly over…not my life, the fringe!

 

We are on the home run now people! Had some lovely people come to see my show, some Glasgow Celtic players (who I don’t know), Dean Freidman, Jimmy Carr and Roland Gift, his wife Louise and the actress Diane Quick, all lovely!

Though Jimmy Carr’s distinctive laugh had me giggling throughout my own show, it really is infectious! The crew from BBC Scotland’s comedy department came in as well and we all went off for drinks. They are awesome now that they are under the helm of a new head of comedy and it seems they like me…how unusual! Took an English woman to introduce them to me! Maybe one day I will make it onto the Fred McCauley show (he did keep promising, but it never materialised) never mind I was on BBC radio 4 this week with my Comic Fringes Short Story and I did a Just a Minute on BBC radio 4 as well!

 

I spoke to the previous producer of Fred’s show and he said “Maybe they couldn’t have you on because you swear” that made me giggle as I must be the ONLY comic to swear onstage in the world! I am truly unique indeed, but am glad BBC radio 4 don’t worry about such things, they must be really cutting edge is good old radio 4, especially as I have NEVER sworn on radio or telly in my life.

 

Have had such a good week numbers wise as well, I never succumbed to giving away free tickets or gave up 2 for 1’s either, people come to see me because I am a decent comic and NOT a bargain cheap away day ticket! I feel that it can demean the festival when big acts are giving away tickets this late in the run; it creates a cheapening of the entire spirit of the festival in my own opinion.

 

I would rather play to 60 full paying punters during the week than half full of uncommitted punters who don’t really invest in your show mentally; full payers also tend to value the show more as well.

 

The 2 for 1s and free tickets also discourages full payers coming in as they know some people in there got in for free and that annoys them, I know this coz I asked my audiences how they would feel knowing they booked in advance for a show at full price and then found out had they waited they could have got the tickets 2 for 1 and they agreed with me that it was insulting to them! I think am right which what I always think when I am having conversations with myself!

Have some great radio and TV work in the future as well, which made me happy, the Fringe isn’t about what happens in Edinburgh but what happens AFTER it all and therefore this one has been a huge success. I got more FIVE star reviews this year than ever! Though I might be wrong as 2004 garnered a huge swathe for Good Godley as well, am too tired to go check my website! That’s the other great thing about talking to yourself; you are under NO conditions to correct yourself!

 

Well technically I am talking to you lovely people but because I am quite tired it feels like am talking to myself and you inadvertently get to listen in! But I like that as well.

 

It was my husband’s birthday during the week and we never got to share it. I did call him up and remind him how I recalled every detail of his 17^th birthday back in 1979 and how we shared that, I recall that I made him spaghetti Bolognese and we ate it on our knees in my grandfathers back bedroom. Then we went straight to work in his dad’s pub. Was that really 30 years ago? Did we ever think that 30 years later I would be performing comedy and he would be celebrating his birthday alone as I stood onstage making people laugh? I don’t think we could have ever foreseen that!

 

Life is good; I have stopped being sick and made new friends!

 

I am MC at the Malcolm Hardee award show on Friday night, the man behind it all is John Fleming who sponsors the show, and he was a good mate of Mr Hardee. Come see my show at Pleasance Dome 7pm every night till Monday 31^st August, no free tickets but you get to see a five star show!

The Night it all went wrong

 

Just told my pal Monica “I need to write a blog, so you must ignore me”

“Easy done” she sniggered. She will suffer for that remark, when I start vomiting again and she has to hold a pot for me to puke in. that’s what friends are for.

 

My illness started on Friday night, I did my show, it was great fun, Monica clapped loudly, Dean Friedman (my lovely friend and musical hero) laughed loudly and we headed out of the venue. Monica and I walked up to the Gilded Balloon loft, I had some tea, Monica had a gin and immediately I got horrendous cramps in my lower abdomen. “Ok, maybe I need a poo” I said to Monica and headed for the toilet, the cramps continued, I broke out in a hot sweat and I decided it was time to go home. Poor Monica was on holiday and I just cut the night short by organising diarrhoea and stomach cramps. 

 

When we got back to the flat at around 9pm as we are total rock and roll, I stripped half naked and headed for the loo. I sat there for ages expulsing everything from both ends whilst Monica mopped my brow.

I felt so guilty that this was her holiday and I was ruining her day with my personal colon problems.

 

I must have eaten something crap and my stomach rebelled. I really didn’t need that on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept a wink due to cramping and shitting my skeleton out, but I had to go do the Breast Cancer Pink comedy show.

 

When I walked out on stage I noticed that there were two wee kids sitting there, Jenny Éclair had been onstage and done some pretty adult material, swearing and rather sexual content. I can’t swear in front of kids, fair play to Jenny, she is a top compere and the other mostly female comics weren’t prepared to face toddlers, yet they still put on sterling show and made the gig shine like a perfect beacon, but believe it or not, I just can’t be ‘nasty’ in front of small kids.

 

So I held in my vomiting and got the wee girl up on a chair and the whole audience got to hear about her albeit very short life, she was 3 and ¾ and wanted to be a vet when she grew up.

 

I love entertaining kids and adults at the same time. I did six comedy for kids show in NZ and it was a huge success. So the audience had a lovely time with me playing up to the kids, I even got a nice email from the organisers thanking me for my patience with the babies, that made me very proud of myself.

 

I am a bit sick of being labelled a ‘vulgar’ ‘sweary’ comic when in fact when it comes to it, I can do a whole hour without any expletives at all and small kids don’t throw me off the mark.

 

So after that I went back to some expert shitting and some sleep before my own show at 7pm, which was just awesome fun. I managed to stay out late and not vomit or deface any Edinburgh toilets with my nasty colon.

 

Though I did manage to embarrass myself when I chatted to a man who I thought was an old pal of mine called Ashley, who wasn’t the bloke Ashley at all -but Stephen Merchant! I am such a knob, I don’t know who he is as I have never seen Extra’s or anything he is in, and I really don’t watch much telly. He was gracious and we giggled and I walked away still semi convinced he was my mate Ashley from London! Maybe all that vomiting had expelled some of my brains. Life is ok, I feel better, I got rave reviews, I got great houses and I am not longer squeezing yellow bile out of my throat.

 

The good news is I feel better, and due to the illness may have lost some weight there is always a positive side to Dysentery.

What A week!

 

Friday is awesome; I got another FIVE STAR review today and that’s my third they all came from these sources (Scotsgay-one4review- The Mirror) and got named as number four in the top ten comedy blogs in Britain! I am chuffed to bits.

 

During the week, I recorded Just a Minute and Comic Fringes for BBC Radio 4, the comic fringes was a short story I had written and read out to a live audience. The short story is broadcast on BBC Radio 4 at 3.30pm on 25^th August 2009. Hope you like it!

 

Life at the fringe is ticking along wonderfully, my twitter followers alert me to any press they notice and they send other twitterers updates about me, who needs PR? I love Twitter!

 

The show has been going great guns, I did a whole show without swearing which was nice, as everyone likes to point out how much I swear (but never mention the boys, because this is still 1953) So I proved I can be funny without being ‘cursy’. I was going to dress in a floral frock and bake, but I guess that’s been done to death.

 

I love the fringe -Though the stinking rainy weather in Edinburgh makes me want to blow up the castle and kill all the happy jugglers. The folk who stand still dressed as statues fill me with hatred and vile- my brother used to down methadone and he could stand staring at a dead fly for eight hours after his dosage, we didn’t call it art, we called it a ‘habit’.

 

But today the sun is shining and we all know tomorrow is set for a tsunami of epic proportions as the puddles overwhelm the punters in the street. Why can’t we have the Edinburgh fringe in Barcelona? That would be awesome. Why do we have it in a city where we need a canoe to get to the venue?

 

In my show I talk about being on a train when a man gets killed, and funnily enough my mate Monica is late getting into Edinburgh as a man died on the line during her journey today, she is like that, she copy cats everything I do. (Ok that was a rather heartless remark about a death, I am sorry but I have a headache today and feel somewhat nasty, forgive me).

 

Ashley is still in Amsterdam and husband is still at home in Glasgow, he is happy without the constant madness of the Fringe, I know how he feels when I hear loud comics projecting their voices saying “My sitcom in LA is awesome, the writers just cant believe my life when I explain stuff, seriously, I am so off the chart edgy, anyway one night I was with these models and they were so into me…blah blah”

 

It can make your cranium vomit blood…The best fun to be had is getting a reviewer to tell you what she has been to see, then hear the gossip about whose show is 30 minutes long and who is repeating old shows and who is boasting about sell outs when ten people are in the room, its evil but funny and am sure I will go to hell for giggling.

 

Life is mental in Edinburgh, I still haven’t drunk a drop of booze, as I am not really a drinker and keep planning a late lie in and getting scuppered as people keep asking me to do things early in the morning.

This week I am going to take it easy, life is good!

Tinsletown in the Rain

 

Edinburgh loves its rain and it likes to mix it with wind. The weather has been a bit iffy but we are storming through it. I am past half way through the fringe and I have only had one review. It was a five star review but one nonetheless.

 

PR companies are good at getting reviews in for comics, they meet the reviewer for a drink, chat with them afterwards, explain parts of the show that deserve five stars in case the reviewer didn’t get it and then let the reviewer go as soon as they have secured a date for it going to press, preferably early on as it helps numbers.

 

Well, I don’t have PR and am relying on the reviewers coming to my show, not drinking my cash but enjoying what I do and then heading off without so much as a by your leave from me, but hopefully happy with my work!

 

My audiences have been just wonderful and the numbers have been great. Some people are still doming 2 for 1s and/or cancelling their show on the night due to low numbers. The fringe is screaming ‘best ticket sales ever’ but that includes all the free tickets printed and there are more shows across the board this year, so it does appear to be more ticket sales but there are just more shows!

 

I am lucky that despite practically no reviews and no pr I have a core audience that come to see me, I love chatting outside on the wee wall after my gig, come down for a natter!

 

I did an episode of Just a Minute and it really is funny and scary at the same time. Sue Perkins is a genius at the game as well as Paul Merton; I was just constantly repeating myself over and over again, as if repeating was the real object of the game.

 

Ashley and I are having good fun, I love having quality time and a good old nattering with her. Her love of all things geeky astounds me; she is obsessed with William Shatner, Podcasts about sci-fi and listens to some ancient station podcast about Sherlock Holmes which is constantly interrupted with adverts for tonic wine! Its proper old and makes me giggle when I hear Basil Rathbone’s plumy tones.

 

The late night gigs have been fun as well, Girls with Guns at Gilded Balloon are just awesome and if you have time in the afternoon go see King of Everything at GRV, just some recommends from me!

 

Edinburgh is cold but my best mate Monica is coming up from London and spending the weekend with me! Hurrah!

Am missing husband and Ashley is off to Amsterdam this week, so all things are go. Come see the show, if nothing else just to be astounded at my interpretation of a church name in Maryhill, Glasgow. It even makes me snort out of my nose.

Pleasance Dome 7pm every night till 31^st August.

Yet another late blog

 

I have been very sleepy lately. This always happens when I am at a festival, I get knackered, and I eat too much or too little and then hunker down in the duvet and snore away my life. Only getting up to perform or go to press things and then slotting my life into units where I can squeeze some more sleep in! I am possibly turning into a hedgehog.

 

Ashley is SO OVER the fringe and spends her nights watching TV on her laptop and making tea for me. She has given up on hanging out with disenchanted malfunctioning comics, that was so exciting when she was 17 years old at 23 she thinks me and my fellow performers are fully functioning freaks. Though I am not one of those!

 

The palpable power of the reviewers makes me feel vomity, I am sick of reading that some of my fav comics are getting slated for either making loads of people laugh (but not the reviewer) or having a hot room that the reviewer feels the need to blame the comic for!

 

I still haven’t yet had a review printed though I did have some TV/radio people in and sealed a few deals and week two isn’t even over, so that’s good news and the reviewers cant stop that from happening nor can they MAKE that happen, that’s all down to my and my show. I love this year’s show more than I have in ages, it’s not about my childhood, my past, my family or anything sad, it’s all about strange things and funny incidents that occurred.

 

I haven’t seen any shows yet either, as my units of sleep would be disturbed if I started to do that stuff!

Had a great chat with Anthony who runs the Pleasance and he is such a good dude to hang out with, he did nothing but praise me up and make me feel welcome and lovely, what a nice bloke! He enjoys the fact that he and I always make cash at the fringe, and we share that common bond!

 

The other thing I love about my Edinburgh run is the sheer amount of regulars who come to see my year after year, that actually makes me cry a wee bit when I see folk make a huge effort to get to Edinburgh come see me and then go home! Many just come to see me! That is touching!

 

I am also having great fun with Ashley as I missed her terribly when she was in London and its good hanging out with her. I have had a few late nights up at the Gilded balloon loft bar and met loads of kind folk, nice people who aren’t creepy or too sycophantic. My mate Monica is coming up next weekend and I can’t wait to spend time with her, she is just a big fucking bag of love and fun for me. When we are in London she is always too busy as she owns her own PR Company and looks after famous chef’s like Heston Blumenthal and other giants of cooking, so we never get a minute to ourselves, now we can PARTY in Edinburgh.

 

We can eat burgers and giggle, that’s what we do…yes I know it sounds exciting doesn’t it? Well to us IT IS!

 

Had a laugh the other day when I jumped in a taxi to get to Nicholas Parsons show where I was a guest, the cab managed to mount the pavement and almost kill a man. That man was Steve Bennett from The Chortle website, he is a big reviewer and it made me laugh. When Steve jumped out of the way of the cab, I hung out the window and shouted “Next time Bennett!” I am sure he got a fright and that made me laugh yet again!

 

I am still well into Spotify though now that it is very popular the irritating adverts on it are getting more frequent and longer than ever, so I have developed new finger skills to automatically mute the sound when the incessant Paulo Nautini music advert comes on and especially when that awful Amy McDonald advert appears, am so glad my mute button is handy and I switch to ITunes library when the fucking long adverts kick in….that was tip for people like me who hate adverts! Just put your ITunes library on a new tab and switch!  

 

 So, things are going well my big giant 175 seater venue with aircon and disabled access and are selling well and that is good. The show is going great guns and do come and see me? Pleasance Dome 7pm (it’s just beside the big upside down cow) come say hi.

 

By the way if you feel like voting for your favourite comic go to this link register and do so! http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/447325

You know how late I am don’t you?

 

When an audience member asks why I haven’t written a blog in days, you know you are a bad blogger.

Things are going great, husband is back in Glasgow and life in Edinburgh ticks on and on. Audience numbers are up on last year and as I am in a 175 seater THAT’S a lot of seats to fill!

 

Everyone had a great first weekend, numbers were great and now we are onto the dip in the midweek section and you can see some comedians walking about looking glum. But it is just the midweek slump, especially if you are in a BIG room that gets filled up at weekends, it can leave you feeling odd. Chins up though!

 

I still haven’t had a review printed yet, though I have had reviewers in.

 

Watched some comedians who got slated by reviewers actually being dragged away from said reviewer in Pleasance Courtyard, now that was a frisson of gossip for you. Nothing happened, they just looked angry and shouty, but reviewer just sat there laughing his head off at them.

 

I had a woman in the Fringe Queue ask me if I swore in my act as she doesn’t like women swearing, I asked her if she asked the male comics that question and she said “I have never spoken to a comedian before” Fair enough, so I asked her had she seen any women comics at the fringe. “Yes, I have seen a few” she answered. “Did they swear?”

 

She went quiet for a moment and reluctantly replied “Yes, but they were very English and middle class, it wasn’t really swearing, they were making a point”

 

The people around her just gawped at her and I burst out laughing. Because basically what she is saying is that my working class Scottish accent makes swearing vulgar!

 

“Well if I swear onstage I will make sure I do my best Queen Elizabeth accent and pretend to have once ridden a pony if that helps” I replied.

 

The folk around her just kept laughing and she kept trying to justify her point of view that swearing is ok for a woman as long as it’s done tastefully and in a nice Home Counties accent.

 

Which brings me onto my next point, every time I see a female comic’s review- I notice that the reviewer spends precious sentences explaining how and in what manner the female comic swore? I have never seen this in male comic reviews and have realised that all these so called liberal journalists and folk who claim to be in the 21^st century have a 1950s attitude towards woman using the same language as men onstage!

 

Life is strange at times. Ashley and I are having a good time together, we watched season two of Everwood on her laptop last night, it really is corny but made us giggle.

Fringe Stuff and things like that

Monday I was at STV doing The Hour show which was live! Apparently I did very well and managed to catch up with the Chippendales who are performing at Gilded Balloon! I loved the live TV interview, good pre press for my fringe show.

 

On Tuesday we moved through to Edinburgh, Ashley managed to bag the big double room with balcony and en suite bathroom, I don’t understand how she gets the best room and I am the performer! Anyway we managed to put together an amazing flyer team, they are just a great bunch of enthusiastic bunch and they are working their asses off. If you see one of my flyerers please tell them I love them! Ashley decided to buy a tartan Hurley trolley; you know the kind, the wee tartan shopping trolley! She puts all the flyers in it and heads off to replenish their stock.

 

My first night went great, I didn’t really have a show, I just put together a bunch of stories and hope for the best. It went good…people liked it!

It was also cool catching up with comics that I haven’t seen in a while.

 

The second day I took my friends wee boy to the park, he is such a delight to be around and really is well behaved. There were some annoying posh looking lanky teenagers (one was wearing a dinner jacket and jeans, with side combed emotional hair, he needed punched for that alone) on the roundabout and they were making it go extremely fast and scaring all the kids around them. It was such a hot day and the park was crowded, so I walked over and said to my wee charge “Shall I throw them off?”

He nodded and smiled, other wee kids watched and started to gather as they could smell adult trouble happening. A gaggle of chubby faced toddlers gathered around me, silently chanting me on with eager cheery faces, how could I let them down?

 

“Get off now” I screamed and pulled the roundabout to a stop and the wannabe crew of skinny jeaned fuck wits who looked like bad extras from Skins all stared at me and clambered off and skulked off the play ground. One big lanky boy with his jeans hanging off his ass waited till he was far enough away and gave me the finger and shouted “Bitch” I stared at him and a big daddy who had two kids near him stood up and booted his skinny bony ass. We all cheered and clapped, even the kids joined in. The skinny assed kids ran away and you could tell they were all about to become Emos or Goths but didn’t have the staying power to learn the shite music and show commitment to the dyed hair cause.

A few things bother me about the fringe and the big thing is – people who give away FREE TICKETS to shows. It means that people coming up to Pleasance Dome and are about to buy tickets then get swayed into taking a free ticket. I disagree with the FREE ticket scenario, people don’t value the show, they sit with other people who have paid and that’s not nice and it creates a culture of people expecting a FREE show. I don’t mind the Free Fringe etc…but in venues where the tickets do cost it really does antagonise me. A woman came up to my daughter and asked if my show was free and Ashley said “No” and the woman just said she would wait to get a free ticket.

 

Its called papering a room, I really believe that if you can’t play to 6 people then you should piss off, I played to small audiences and I earned my stripes. The thinking behind papering a room is- they believe people will walk away and then tell people to go buy tickets, or maybe the folk will walk away and think “Why buy tickets if you can get them for free?”

 

I take the free tickets and throw them away, as I believe it undermines everything me and other comics are doing. I know people disagree with me but I get pissed off with it, especially when they are still giving away free tickets into week 3, that’s just wrong.

 

Other than that I am having a great time, I have done two shows already and am getting prepared for my Just a Minute performance which always scared the bejebus out of me. Day three coming up, so do come and see me, it will costs you money but I am sure you will like it! (hopefully).

It’s all GO

I am up to my eyes in doing last minute stuff, Ashley is home and that’s great. Dad is basically breaking things in his house and needs me to go up and look at the broken things he has broke, which is always fun. It really is cool getting to spend time with him though, he has stopped swearing too much, he was swearing a lot after mum died and I think he had one big sweary week and got it all out, so its all over. I love my dad. I will miss him when I go to Edinburgh and am slightly worried he will befriend the squirrels in his garden and start buying them Brazil nuts.

 

Ashley had fun in London and thanks to Sue she had a great place to stay. I adore Sue for looking after her, also my mates Angela and David who gave her heaps of support. Ashley had been helping out with some filming with Dodgy Dave Courtney and decided to back out of the last day, just as well as Dave got raided by the police and got put in prison. The last thing I needed was my daughter being caught up in a gun raid, again! The last time she was involved in a gun raid she was 8 years old and it was me and her dad, being dragged out in cuffs. She doesn’t need to go through that again.

 

So, it is good to have Ashley home, she is holed up in her room listening to some geeky Star Trek podcast. That’s what she does.

 

I have to get my hair done, I have to get a radio show done, I have to get packed and I have to make sure everything is sorted for my opening show on Wednesday. The house basically looks like Paddy’s Market, with heaps of clothes everywhere.

 

I love the opening week of The Fringe, I have about six opening parties to go to, and probably won’t make any of them. I have an acute ear infection AGAIN…and am convinced the big dull pain that sits on the side of my head is a big evil brain tumour waiting to burst and kill me! If I die like that you can all say “She knew that was going to happen” and then I will be right after all. (I like being right).

 

The show is all set to go and I am as happy as punch, and I love getting to see all the comics I know in one small city, then after about a week I get bored as hell and end up watching too much telly and being boring.

 

Looking forward to meeting some of you at the Fringe!

The Fringe is almost upon me

I have paid the cash, booked the flat, got the posters made, seen my mug in the brochure and have a cracking show ready to blurt out onstage. What more do I need? Oh, yes, to move to Edinburgh for a month. Husband is not going; he is staying in the flat in Glasgow as he is eternally bored of Edinburgh and hates me saying “Darling” too many times in one day.

 

He also cannot abide the flood of drama students who ‘black up, dress as vampires/slaves/scary ghouls and walk about with a empty box, two fake trees and a mannequin that has stab wounds and be accosted by a crowd of overtly posh kids that scream the song Alfie in some pseudo retrospective about the state of sexuality in the 21^st century’.

 

In fact he actively pushes them out of the way and hisses under his breath and says things loudly like “Art my balls”. Personally I enjoy seeing the drama students and their high jinkery, they don’t bother me at all, but husband can’t be arsed being shouted at and harassed as he tries to buy a steak pie in the local Edinburgh butchers, he isn’t ‘arty’ at all.

 

My daughter Ashley usually ends up barking at the over excited drama kids if they dare to interrupt her when she is flyering a prospective crowd of comedy goers. Woe betides any fuckwit drama student who gets in her face as she chats to her people!

My girl has been working and flyering at the Fringe since she was 8 years old and she knows her stuff and she has claimed her patch a long time ago! She’s a bit like a grumpy hooker “This corner is mine, now take your paper mache puppet and piss off”

 

I am not condoning this kind of behaviour but comics invest huge amounts of their own cash, we aren’t subsidised by a local art or drama fund, we need the audiences and what we don’t need is a bedraggled Oxbridge boy dressed as one of the Pre-Raphaelites shouting Shakespeare through a toilet roll tube into our ear. It just annoys us, is all am saying.

 

My husband has bought a new telly and he aint leaving it in Glasgow to sit in a fancy overpriced flat in Edinburgh and listening to me hark on about reviews and ticket sales. He might love me but he isn’t insane.

 

I am looking forward to this show I have planned more than I have about other shows in ages. I just like how it goes, I am not doing stuff about my past or my family really, it’s all about my travels and I have some cracking funny stories to tell…well I think they are funny and the previews went well. Even a well respected reviewer loved it and that makes me breathe out a wee bit!

 

But as always most of the stuff will be made up on the night as that’s what I always do for Edinburgh. I have never written stuff down and stuck to it, and audiences seem to enjoy that about my shows, it’s become my ‘thing’. Some people come and see the show twice and I love that they do, as it does change a bit as the show progresses. Comedy award people don’t really like that, it was one of the criticisms I got a few years ago when the famous Perrier award was on the go. The panel loved the show but they soon realised I wasn’t doing the exact same show night after night and that kinda went against me. I do what the audience like and not the comedy judges. Still I did manage to win some awards in Edinburgh like the Fringe Report and Funny Women Award last year, and pick up a Glasgow Herald Five Star review.

 

So, everything is almost in place, am waiting on Ashley getting back from her travels and looking forward to her coming to Edinburgh with me. She makes the festival happy for me and looks after me with a steely eye, heaps of affection and a big dose of daughterly love.

 

Hope to see you all there and if you want to buy tickets remember the first few days are cheaper and there are still some tickets left for those night so go get them before they disappear. http://www.pleasance.co.uk/edinburgh/listings/show/godley%27s_world/tickets

Jongleurs Glasgow

 

There is always one cunt in the room, and last night Mr Cunt was from a large group of workers from HML in Glasgow. He displayed all the characteristics of an angry rapist shouting stuff out like “Shut up you’re just a women” and ended up being disowned by his own company and thrown out where he started a fight in the street and ended up being arrested. I wonder if he still has a job on Monday? I can’t imagine his boss sitting there watching that kind of behaviour and letting him near women in public after that display.

 

He shouted, and did that amazing thing with both hands cupped round his useless gob and hurled abuse when I spoke. The room stared at him. I gave him my usual 3 strikes and your out rule, then eventually pointed the magic finger and got him removed. What is it about a man who hears the words “Stop shouting or you will get thrown out” ignores the warning and carries on yelling shit? The audience HATED him and were shouting to me “Point the finger” after I explained that if he didn’t behave, I just need to point my finger and he’s gone!

 

After the show heaps of people from his table kept apologising to me, though it didn’t spoil the night.

Today I woke up and ate biscuits for breakfast coz am rock and roll. Husband and I are missing Ashley like hell and this morning at 4am she texted me and I called her and wee chatted till the sun came up over London and Glasgow simultaneously, she told me funny stories about meeting extremely posh English people and how all the girls said stuff like “I am just doing PR for daddies company till I get married!” Ashley said she was the only female amongst the party who had a career plan and possessed hips. The rest were incredibly skinny girls with bad skin and all their names ended with ‘A’ like Arrabella, Emma, and Sophia etc. She said they all wore pseudo socialist tee shirts and were saying things like “Can’t wait for Uncle David to become Prime Minister”

 

The boys were all called Ollie, Henry and Theo who had large bodies, big bushy heads of hair and giant genetically mutated round faces! She said they all had big chins like the cartoon American Dad! She said she had to run out of the party because her eyeball hurt from too much posh-ness in the room, the smell of cousins marrying each other was pungent!

 

She went from meeting gangsters one day to horse riding top hatted toffs the next! I miss my wee chicken.